A Hero's Daughter
by Unknown-de-Mordor
Summary: "There is one thing worse than being a dead hero's son; it is being a dead hero's daughter." My attempt on gender-bended!Kirk and her inner monologue throughout the movie.


A/N: This is my own take on Star Trek XI, or rather my experiment on how gender might alter the perspective on a character, in this case James Kirk. This might border on sacrilege to some but, to my defense, Gene Roddenberry original idea was to have a female captain. I think Kirk's character is actually perfect for either gender.

**A Hero's Daughter**

There is one thing worse than being a dead hero's son; it is being a dead hero's daughter.

That was what Jamie Tiberius Kirk learnt early on in her life being the daughter of George Kirk the  
Heroic Captain of USS Kelvin. It was like she didn't exist at all. Sam was the son, the one who got the spot light. People saw George Kirk in Sam. He was supposed to inherit their father in all possible ways. She knew she should have been thankful since she was untouched by the pressure. Sure thing people in Riverside knew who she was by sight, but no one was expecting anything from her. Somehow being the daughter had left an empty hole in her being. She wanted to carry a part of him with her, too. She wanted to take a part of the burden off Sam, but she got nothing of George Kirk. It made her feel left out, like a bastard child.

That was why when she was thirteen she started to go by James. Sam, her sweet brother, had run away that day and never came back. Jamie blamed their absent mother, their abusive stepfather, everyone that had to bring up their father in front of Sam, and most of all her weak self. She was always secretly jealous of her brother since Sam had memories of a happy family that Jamie hadn't. In retrospect, those memories might have been the part that hurt Sam the most and Jamie was unable to share that pain with him.

It might have been anger. It might have been fear. It might have been that the emptiness inside her imploded and made Jamie snap. Before she knew it, she stole her father's antique car and drove it down the long empty road to ride out that sick feeling brewing inside her. The sound of the police hover bike drove her off course, but it didn't slow her down. She wanted to get away, away from here, away from… this. Down the cliff if she must to make the pain go away. In the rush of adrenaline, somewhere in her mind she had changed from Jamie – the good little girl who always tried to make her brother and stepfather happy – to James – the reckless troublesome teenager. It was the name she told the police after jumping out of the car in the very last minute. It was that name that made Frank scowled at her and called her a freak. It only brought smile to her face when he stuttered in a loss of word or response after learning about the car, so she kept going to different misadventure since then. To people who knew her, it was just her growing into a rebellious phase because of her broken home. To people who didn't or only know her by name, she had become George Kirk's infamous son, just the way she wanted to be.

It was a surprise to her when Christopher Pike didn't even flinch when he realized who she was. The bartender introduced her to Pike as Jim Kirk – everyone in Riverside called her that by that time. It usually drew a curious and sometimes scornful look from strangers like it did the pretty Cadet Uhura, but not from Pike. He sat her down and talked about her father's legacy, trying to convince her to enlist. Of course, Pike knew her father had a daughter that day – he mentioned his dissertation on the incident with USS Kelvin – so he knew Jim. But he treated her like a dead hero's son, not his bastard daughter.

To be honest, Jim never thought about enlisting in Starfleet. She abhorred them for giving her mother a refuge in her endless work instead of making her face the problems at home. There was a shipyard at Riverside, but Jim barely acknowledged its existence, never as much as giving it a glance. It was that one early morning that she finally decided to really look at it and the magnificent ship looming above the bare barren ground. It was the first time she faced the ghost of her father directly and she decided that it didn't matter whether her mother was in Starfleet or not. She never had a mother, a family, or a life. But this, this life in the blackness of space was one that her father chose. She couldn't help feeling a connection to her old man as soon as she ditched her bike and stepped on the shuttle.

On that shuttle was where her new life started. Off she went away from Riverside, her old friends, and her old life. Still, she would love a second chance with Uhura after some thickhead Cadets had to be all macho and ruined her mood enough to get a fight started last night. Apparently, Uhura still thought Jim was trying to hit on her and was trying hard to push her away, not that Jim blamed her. She really did start out trying to hit on Uhura, but she knew within the first few minutes that the Cadet was not interested. Jim had graciously back out as much as her pride would allow and played nice. Uhura would have seen that if it wasn't for the untimely interruption.

Her glancing at Uhura had to come to a stop from the interruption by one Leonard McCoy. Despite his MD degree, he was breathing alcohol in her face and had no grace whatsoever while telling her about the deadliness of space and why vomiting on his fellow passenger was the idea of the moment. He was as much of a wreck on the outside as Jim was on the inside. He didn't even fall for her flirting on their way to San Francisco. At first, she thought he was too busy covering up his fear of flying, but she realized later that he just wasn't interested in her that way. He was stressed from a divorce with a devil of a woman that he simply couldn't be involved with another so soon.

Leonard, or Bones as she fondly called him, proved to be more than just another guy friend to Jim. He was almost like a mother always bickering about her clubbing habit, her conquests with men and women, and even her personal hygiene. He reminded Jim of Sam sometimes, only that Bones had more personal interest in her than Sam ever was. Jim, in turn, made sure she had Bones's back whenever the Dear Doctor was in need. Starfleet Academy and San Francisco had been rough on them both, and only the like-minded could have pulled each other through. Over the years, Bones had replaced the empty space Sam left in Jim. They even shared a room in the dorm despite scrutiny on the nature of their relationship. Jim didn't care, so didn't Bones. They were just too happy to finally find someone who truly appreciated them.

So Jim was glad when Bones sarcastically voiced his opinion on the pointy-eared bastard who dare brought her father up in her hearing. Only Bones could understand why that hobgoblin had no right to mention George to Jim like he did. If someone had tried to rile Sam up with this kind of statement, Jim would have punched that sorry excuse of a face to pulp. Bones didn't do that kind of thing because Bones was not Jim and the circumstance didn't allow. Jim didn't even have a chance to bitch about the guy when they had to report to the hangar. The only thing she could do was planning a revenge on Spock in the most painful way possible as she watched her friends leave. She soon forgot all about her devious plans as her allergic reaction to Melvaran Mud Flea vaccine kicked in.

Then there was Nero, the Romulan that killed her father. She knew it in her every fiber as soon as that face was on screen. Her anger was no longer at Spock – Spock's action was just petty crime compared to what Nero did. Nero didn't just killed Jim's father and destroyed her childhood, he had killed Jim's friends, all who were not on the Enterprise or back on Earth. Gaila, Areel, Janice – they were just memories now. Their bodies lost somewhere among the wreckages of Starfleet's ships. Who gave Nero the right to take these people away from Jim? How dare Nero do this to anyone?

How dare he do this to Spock?

Jim didn't like the Vulcan, but losing someone so close to one's heart… how painful that must be. Jim had never really lost one, not a mother, a real loving mother. And the Vulcan's face, dear God, she knew then that Spock did feel.

But soon he was back being his irritable, ego-centric self. The shock on his face faded to nonexistence as they moved further and further away from the Vulcan system and closer and closer to the Lorentzian system. Jim, as first officer and a human, would not have it, because she knew how unhealthy it was to pretend to not feel, to bear with someone beating her and threatening to destroy everything she hold dear. Jim had tolerated that with Frank for Sam. It didn't help them but rather pushed Sam away out of self-disgust. Jim was not going to let Spock repeat her mistake. Moreover, she was not going to repeat that mistake.

The thing she learnt the day Sam walked away was you have to fight back. Look the threat in the eye, bluff or cheat if you must, but keep on fighting. Running for help did little if you didn't try to fight first. They had already sent a message to the Lorentzian fleet for backup. They had asked for help as they should. Backup would come, but all would be lost if the precious worlds they tried to protect was there no more.

The only reward she got for being utterly honest with Spock – although tactless, she must admit – was being marooned to an ice ball called Delta Vega. A part of her hated Spock for this. She swore to never forgive him again for stealing the last precious thing from her, the Earth. There would be no Earth left once they got back from Lorentzian system. Jim would be left a space's bastard with no land and no home, like a handful of human on a handful of Starfleet's ships, like Spock and the other Vulcans. She would rub that in his face and devour his hurt when they met again. It would be a priceless revenge, only that she didn't want to go through with it. They were all bastard children now, all cut loose in the vast emptiness that went on forever.

That emptiness only intensified with the mind-meld she had with another Spock – an older, more serene Spock. She took a liking of him almost instantly for the love he seemed to pour out of his eyes. For a Vulcan, he was rather expressive. She learnt it the hard way that he was not expressing enough.

She felt her tears fell, bathing her cheeks as he took a step back, physically and mentally. He had learnt from her in their mind-meld that his mother was gone and the grief intensified tenfold from what had already seemed impossible to bear. Tears weren't enough to express this; it was so deep and soul-wrenching. So this was what the younger Spock had felt… this grievous intensity. She almost doubled over under its weight as she staggered away in hope that it would lessen.

But no, it didn't. The pain was so much it took her a full minute to look at him again. His face was impassive as ever, but she could see it now. His raw emotions were etched into every line of his face. Oh, Spock. She took a few steps forward and took him in her arms.

They knew she was not his James Kirk. She was not doing this out of sympathy to an old friend as his James might. She held him because she understood the emptiness of this loss, of being orphaned – always alone, always left out, without a touch to the life that had been. She poured her thoughts to him as their forehead touched despite knowing how private Vulcans were. She had wished to reach out to her Spock the same way but couldn't. He had already shut her out. At least she wanted to help this Spock and not just watched him accepting their fate.

She could feel the tense shoulders slackened as he allowed himself to grieve in her arms for both of them.

Soon the moment passed. They knew they didn't have long if Jim wished to get back to the Enterprise and save Earth in time. Until that moment, Jim didn't think it was possible. Spock made it possible. She couldn't thank him enough. She was rather disappointed to learn that he was not coming with her. There was so much he could do. He had told her to trust Spock, that he would come around once he realized what really needed to be done not just logically but both logically and emotionally. Jim had her doubt, but she trusted this Spock. That was why she allowed the transporter beam to embrace her without him.

Emotionally compromising Spock was the hardest thing she had done knowing his pain and so much more from the meld. All that time, she tried to suppress her own emotions and reminded herself that they were different people. This Spock would not grieve in her embrace. This Spock would not let the sorrow overtook him on his own term. She had to make him show it. She needed him to lose that tight control.

That was why she brought up his mother.

It was long since she got beaten up like she did on the bridge with McCoy basically shouting and trying to get Spock off her. Always the southern gentleman, her Bones. He couldn't comprehend hitting a woman although she had advance training in hand-to-hand combat and was a respected instructor to many. Bones could understand women fighting in battles but not with ones who supposed to be her friends. It was like domestic violence, Jim guessed. She had her fair share of that. Another one wouldn't hurt.

Only that it did. She knew she deserved this for what she said about Spock's mother. She knew the gentle soul inside that Vulcan soldier. She knew that he was already broken and bleeding when she decided to crush him to pieces. She knew that she had disgraced him in front of all his colleagues and his father by stripping him of any sensibility. As he pinned her by the throat to the console, she let her own control go. It was enough at that point, she didn't want to do this to him anymore, and she let herself feel the pain of hurting a kindred spirit if only for a moment.

Then Spock let go. He looked deranged, confused, and embarrassed, as if he didn't know who he was for a moment. Jim got up as soon as she could catch her breath just in time to watch him leave in haste. Bones was on her that very instant, tricorder in hand to check for injuries while sarcastically congratulating her for depriving them of their commanding officer. Jim waved him off, stepped up to the captain's chair and sat down.

This was her ship now. The victory left such a bitter aftertaste.

They changed their course to Earth at once with Sulu happily complying with her wishes. During their mission to shut down the drill on Vulcan, they had come to respect one another as ones who had defied death together would. Chekov who had witness her attempt in saving Sulu (an attempt, because they would have been dead if Chekov didn't save them) was more than eager to follow her suggestions. Uhura, while being openly hostile regarding Jim's tasteless attack on Spock, dutifully resumed her position with professionalism that Jim had come to respect and expect. Bones was the only one nagging her to get some rest, but she wouldn't leave. There were so much to do and so little time that she couldn't waste it on a shuteye. As soon as the course was set she gathered her senior officers together to plan their attack on Nero.

She was surprised to see Spock walking back on the bridge with newly made determination to help them with their cause. It alarmed, surprised, and befuddled many, but Jim knew better. Somehow she recognized the transition in Spock as having the same nature as hers when she became James. The emptiness that burst always needed something to fulfill. That was why she refused to let him take the mission of boarding Nero's ship alone. She had to be there to pull him back if he thought piloting that goddamn spaceship down a black hole was a bright idea.

It was strange that this Spock wasn't arguing with her anymore; he was teasing her even. She gave him a small smile to let him know she knew what he was doing regardless of his stoicism and slapped him on the shoulder before turning to her team to go over the detail execution. They were closing in on Narada fast.

They pulled out of warp just behind Saturn as Chekov had calculated. She and Spock was on the transporter pad ready to leave, but not before Uhura rushed up and pulled the Vulcan into a kiss. Jim would be lying if she said she was not taken aback. She, like many others, wouldn't imagine Spock as anything but a perfect officer and often an annoying by-the-book kind. Spock and sexuality was not the two words Jim would put together. And even if she was forced to put it together, she definitely didn't think Uhura was his choice given that she _was_ his former student. That would go against his Vulcan-constructed conscience. Then again, after all that had happened, was this not a good thing. At least amidst this hardship, Spock had someone who loved, cared for, and felt for him. Jim only hoped that the bond was strong enough to prevent Spock from jumping the metaphorical cliff Jim was afraid he would. She knew Uhura would kill her if he did.

According to Sulu, Spock almost did. It was Uhura's flawless coordination with Scotty that got Spock, Jim, and Pike back on board safely before they turned to face Nero on the verge of being sucked into the black hole. Jim thought it would be satisfying to watch her father's killer dying in pain, but, no, she wasn't feeling anything like that. In front of that black hole with Nero's face on the screen, she had come to see that her closure would not come through revenge but through forgiveness. People suffer. Everyone does. Nero had taken it out on others and that led to more and more people suffering. It was a vicious cycle that knew no end unless she decided to put an end to it.

That was why she offered refuge to the Romulans against everyone's better judgement, including Spock's. She could feel his raw and primal satisfaction of watching Nero in pain, fulfilling his new and open wound. Jim felt no such thing. She didn't see her father died when she was born twenty-five years ago so she could not feel the anger that keenly. But she had only seen a consequence of one's revenge, and it wasn't pretty.

She tried reasoning Spock with logic, showing him that compassion was a better way. He conceded but admitted to harbour ill-will against the Romulan. She would have laughed if the situation wasn't so grim, because Spock had admitted of letting his emotion override his logic. What a rare confession for a Vulcan! Her mind was snapped back to the screen when Nero refused her offered. Jim sighed. It was probably better this way.

They made sure the Narada was completely destroyed. There was a sinking feeling in Jim's heart as she watched the ship broke apart. Nero could have had a better fate even after losing his home planet and all the people he loved. It was all Nero's own doing that had brought them to this. It was then that she realized how much of a space's bastard Nero must have been to want death above all else. Even Jim had never truly wanted it, not even when she was driving the car towards the cliff. No, there was always a better fate. It was always their misplaced anger and misguided actions that brought them pain. No, her closure was not with Nero's death but with her realizing that she could do it differently. The rushed of adrenaline washed over her as they pushed the ship out of the range the gravitational pull. No, they had to survive. They must. There were so many things out there among the stars and she wanted to see them, not because of her father but because she just wanted to. They hadn't really got a chance yet. They had to win.

The effect from Scotty's ingenious solution sent their ship flying back the way they came, out and away from the black hole as it ceased to exist. Chekov quickly key in the course back to Earth as Sulu maneuver the Lady away from close-by planet. Once things settled down, they could only sit in silence looking at each other. They were alive and they were going home. Jim couldn't stop the laughter bubbling up her throat. It seemed like an inappropriate moment to laugh, but she couldn't help it. Soon most of them on the bridge were laughing, chuckling, giggling, feeling the strain lifted off them at last.

She turned back to Spock sitting at the science station and earned a nod. She wasn't sure if it was an approval of her getting them out alive or for finally letting go of her inner pain. Though she figured Spock couldn't have known about her near-death epiphany, she felt like it was for both, that Spock, too, had gained the same understanding. Without thinking, she leaped off the captain's chair and pulled Spock into a hug. It was a bad move, she knew. Uhura would have her skin and the rest of her team would think her insane for emotionally engaging a Vulcan. But Spock simply lifted his hand to her arm and rested his head against her shoulder. To her surprise, he had actually relaxed in her embrace the way the elder Spock had, only that this time their embrace was much shorter. Jim pulled back just fast enough to look like a friendly hug rather than a romantic overture, not that she was looking for it with Spock. He was a kindred soul like Bones but in a different way. She wanted to tell him that they could move on now. They could make this pain go away in time. She just didn't know how to say it without giving a lengthy sappy speech and drawing unwanted attention to them both. But Spock seemed to understand her. As she pulled away he simply said, "Thank you, Captain", with a voice low enough for just the two of them to hear.

"Call me Jim," she replied with a smile and a slap on his shoulder before she once again returned to her duty, ignoring the funny smirks from everyone else on the bridge. Even Uhura seemed torn between scowling and smiling at her. Jim gave her a smirk and a meaningful wink just to allow Uhura to scowl openly and settled on the captain's chair as they cruised back to Earth.

As she stepped back on the Enterprise months later, she couldn't help feeling like she was coming home. It was like walking into a mother's welcoming bosom when she stepped onto the bridge where all the smiles greeted her. Even Uhura was not calling her Captain out of spite anymore but with an actual respect she wasn't ready to admit, yet. Jim was okay with that. She was okay with every pair of eyes setting on her now with a frown or not. She was James Tiberius Kirk, the late George Kirk's daughter, but she was no longer a dead hero's daughter or son. She had gotten past the giant shadow of her father and held her own as Starfleet's youngest captain. She would also have a connection to her father in this wide and mysterious space that stretched out before her. She was born here, she was meant to be here. It was a calling she almost missed just because of the tragedy on the day of her birth.

The only twinge she felt was when she glanced at the science station and Spock was not there. It was almost like being home without a close sibling or a spouse. She had missed him dearly during the months earth-bounded. She wanted to call him, to text him, to check on him, but she really didn't have anything to say. It felt somewhat incomplete to see all the familiar faces but not his. Jim couldn't help being disappointed when she heard of Spock's decision to leave Starfleet, but she reminded herself that people found connection and closure in different way. She just hoped Spock did find that closure he needed. She finally texted him to let him know that she wished him the best.

Then the bridge door swooshed open and in came Spock in his regulation attire looking too smug for a proper Vulcan as he observed an insanely wide smile spreading on Jim's face. You sly bastard, Jim thought as she got up to face the Vulcan. He had been playing her all along.

She didn't know what to say really when he offered to be her first officer. She wanted to scream yes, to tell him that the bridge wasn't the same without him. They were kindred spirits, soul-brothers, and they should get drunk together or play chess sometimes. She was high in euphoria knowing that Spock had wanted this as much as she did, and he had let his emotion overrode his decision, even going as far as surprising Jim. She didn't realize that this level of happiness was possible knowing that Spock understood her and anticipated her reaction in very much the same way that she did his. It was touching, but she didn't want to say it. It would make him too smug for his own good.

As they both settled down on their respective stations, Jim felt even more at home than she ever was. Maybe this was why her mother was never on Earth, though it was a poor excuse to get away from one's past. She would forgive her mother eventually, she thought, just not now. As she gave command to undock the ship, she could hear the engine hummed its approval. She settled back on her chair and took in the sight of the stars before they came to a blur. This was the place and the people she was meant to be with. This was home. And to the end of infinity they would go.

-The End-


End file.
